Where is the place you call home?
I’ve been living in my home country for almost 3 years and I still don’t feel a sense of belonging
Have you ever wondered sometimes the reason why you’re unhappy with your life could be due to the place you live? It could be the city, the village, or even the house itself. Many people also say that home is not about the place but it’s about the people you’re surrounded with.
This is still something that I’m struggling to figure out where exactly home is to me. So just a little bit of background…
I was born in Jakarta, Indonesia and this has been my hometown. My family didn’t move around at all so it has been practically a place where I would go and see my parents. At the age of 14, my parents sent me to Singapore to study. I was really young and I had to live in a so-called boarding school. So I kinda grew up there as I spent my youth mostly in Singapore.
After 15 years of living outside my hometown, I would say Singapore was more like home than Jakarta ever was to me. Although I wouldn’t really call it home, I guess it was more like a place that I was very much familiar with. I don’t know why but I felt unhappy most of the time too when I was living there.
Initially, I thought the reason why I was unhappy was that I was in a long-distance relationship. But after I moved back home to be with him, I felt even worse. Somehow I had this culture shock like I was not familiar with my surroundings and even being in the same city with the person I loved, didn’t change anything. So what went wrong?
When I was in Singapore, the only thing that made me happy was my friends. So I guess they were the reason why I could survive and enjoy my life. Although I loved them so much (I still do), deep down there was this emptiness like I felt so lost. I couldn’t really figure out what my life purpose was and how my life was going to be if I kept living there. I wanted to leave the city so bad but I was pretty much stuck.
As I got engaged with my ex-fiancee, I finally found a reason to leave Singapore. Even though I didn’t really want to go back home, it was kind of a decision that was made for me. So I left the place I grew up in for good and I had a mixed feeling whether I was ready to get out of my comfort zone.
The first few months since I moved back, it was hell. I cried almost every night because it didn’t feel like home to me. I felt like I was in a strange place and alone. I missed being in Singapore, I missed my friends, I missed the familiarity. I thought I made the right decision by going back to be with my ex-fiancee. I knew something was off about our relationship but I just didn’t want to admit it.
Around 6 months after moving back, the engagement was called off and thankfully I started a new job, made a lot of new friends from the office which kept me pretty much busy so I began to enjoy my life in Jakarta.
Between Singapore or Jakarta, both cities are quite similar to me. They both have urban lifestyles and the way most people perceive success is by how much money you have which is totally acceptable. When I was in Singapore, I couldn’t imagine myself living in Jakarta and now that I live here, I can’t imagine going back to live in Singapore because it feels like I’m not moving forward.
Now that I’ve got a taste of what it’s like to be back home, I still have the same emptiness I have felt before. I’m still figuring out why. Perhaps living in a city doesn’t give me that much advancement in life and what a home should feel like?
If we go back to this statement “home is not about the place but it’s about the people you’re surrounded with”, then why was I unhappy in Singapore when I had friends whom I love dearly? Why does it feel like something is still missing here in Jakarta although I’m closer to my parents?
There’s a saying that home is wherever you’re with the person you love. Why didn’t I feel that way? Is the best solution to be with the right person at the right location? I need to find a place where I can feel whole on my own. I’ve probably had enough of being a city girl.
More importantly, we need to always do what we enjoy. Whenever I feel uneasy, I practice my yoga because being on the mat makes me feel at ease. I started meditating so I’m learning to be more grounded and how to live in the present. It hasn’t been easy though, but it helps me a lot to realize what I can or cannot control in life and have some gratitude.
If you still haven’t found where home is to you, you’re not alone. But remember wherever you are, learn how to be grounded and be present.
No amount of guilt can change the past, and no amount of anxiety can change the future.
Always focus on yourself and your own happiness. Because when you give out positive energy, you will attract all the positive things in life.
If you don’t like where you are change it.
You’re not a tree.
Again, this sounds easier said than done. So keep reminding yourself that everything in life is just temporary and there will be always ups and downs. When you feel down, I promise you it will get better and when you feel happy, cherish it.
So what is home to you?
